10 Things To Say When Called To The Office
1. "I didn't do it."
2. "They found the body?"
3. "Where's my lawyer?"
4. "He's still alive?"
5. "They've got nothing on me."
6. "I thought I got rid of the evidence."
7. "I told him to hide the body in the boiler, not the shed."
8. "I'm innocent."
9. "I have a twin brother that MIGHT have done something."
10. "Can they convict me on heresay?"
Consultants Commandments
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
Things to and do at a Job Interview
If you want to get the job -- you must do these things!
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say: "Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that."
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: "The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?"
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, "Of course I was totally hammered at the time."
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for "2000 Flushes."
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's okay that you sit on the floor.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
