This stuff is really funny....Enjoy
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men; one Italian woman
Two French men; one French woman
Two German men; one German woman
Two Greek men; one Greek woman
Two English men; one English woman
Two Bulgarian men; one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men; one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men; one Chinese woman
Two American men; one American woman
Two Irish men; one Irish woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
1. One Italian men killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
2. The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in menage-a-trois.
3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman;
4. The two Greek men are sleeping and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
5. The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.
6. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
7. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
8. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
9. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do and how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
10. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun
Source By www.funonthenet.in
The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.
After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.
The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.
The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!
Source By www.Funonthenet.in
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr.Clinton should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwardswards we, translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple,but the truth is...
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said
"Who r u?" (instead of "How r u?". )
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I'm Hillay's husband, ha-ha..."
Then Mori replied
"me too, ha-ha..".
Then there was a long silent in the meeting room.
Source by funonthenet.in
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe
Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Rightnow, Avery Wan is on his way to
the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an
urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Cricket Quiz :HOW MUCH DO U KNOW ABOUT CRICKET?
Cricket quiz:-
Lets test your cricket knowledge !!
Can you name this Indian legend ?
He scored an unbeaten match-winning century on debut.
and spl; He is an opening batsman and a medium-pace bowler.
He is the only batsman after Sir Don Bradman to have an average above 95.
Socho, socho
Ek hint aur
He won a match for his team by hitting a six of the last delivery.
abhi tak nahin samj ayee
........................,
Scroll down
Chalo thek hai aur ek hint,
He won the first match in which he was appointed as Captain.
Abhi tak nahin samj aya ........................,
Shame on you what kind of a cricket Fan r u.......,
Scroll down for the answer
The Answer is Mr. Bhuvan from Champaaner.(LAGAAN)
Sardar Terrorist
There were two Sardarjis Bantya and Santya as bombers. They
had to place a time bomb in order to explode a building. So
they were going on their destination in a car. On their way
Bantya asked Santya, "Santya what will happen if the time
bomb explodes in this car itself." Santya replied
"Don't worry, I have a spare one!!!!!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Dangerous Buddy: A man goes to the doctor and as he touches every part of his body with his finger he says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Where you ever a friends with a Sardar?"
"Yes I was." he replies. "why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
cool jokes
Today at 12:58:43 PM by bhaanurocks
Time To LAUGH
Teacher to Sardar " Where were U born?
Sardar : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Sardar : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.
================================================================
Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came again..
================================================================
Sardar complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Sardar : I was watching TV na....
================================================================
Thought for the Day!!!
If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?
Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM
================================================================
Tihar Jail ordered 999 Shirts and 1000 Pants for its inmates.
Tell why this odd combination?
Answer : Bcos SALMAN KHAN is coming and He hardly wear SHIRTs!!!
================================================================
Do you know the similarity between "Dinasaurs" & "Decent Girls"
Answer: Both dont exist on earth !!!
================================================================
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?
Answer : On their Wedding !!
================================================================
Whats the height of Intelligence?
Answer : A 99 year old Sardar going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ...
---------------------
A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."
Funny Stuff
She was so blonde...
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.
She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'
She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test... and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
How To Speak Chinese In 5 Min.
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ............................ Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ................ Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table ............ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
7) I think you need a face lift ............ Chin Tu Fat
8) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim
9) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
10) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
11) Your body odor is offensive ...........Yu Stin Ki Pu
Top 10 Male Rejection Lines
10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm saved, so my heart belongs to Jesus. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're totally ugly.
Female Rejection Lines
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You give me the creeps.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I may as well be dating my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: I don't want to be seen in public with a dork like you.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I'm busy seeing other guys. Who are you again?
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I'd rather be with my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm saved, so my heart belongs to Jesus. Translation: I've sworn off men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and go out with. I appreciate the male perspective.
Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management
course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
A REAL MCDONALDS JOB APPLICATION (THEY REALLY HIRED HIM)
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was
in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50
LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that
runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
FUNNY STORY - CARJACKER FOILED
As soon as everyone is packing heat we'll all be a lot safer, right?
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags
and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it
and that she will if required... so get out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but
got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the
car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition.
Her car was identical and parked five spaces further down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to
nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white
males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman... no charges were filed.
When U R Bored Do ThIs FuNnY ThInGs
236 THINGS TO DO WHEN UR BORED
1. Wax the ceiling.
2. Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car.
3. Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on all four feet.
4. Repeat above until failure.
5. Rearrange political campaign signs.
6. Sharpen your teeth.
7. Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
8. Braid your dogs hair.
9. Clean and polish your belly button.
10. Water your dog...see if he grows.
11. Wash a tree.
12. Knight yourself and some close friends.
13. Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.
14. Flirt with an evergreen.
15. Scare Steven King.
16. Give your cat a mohawk.
17. Purr.
18. Mow your carpet.
19. Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
20. Whine.
21. Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.
22. Listen to a painting.
23. Play with matches.
24. Buff your cat.
25. Raise professional racing ferrets.
26. Paint your home...day-glo orange.
27. Read Homer in the original Greek.
28. Learn Greek.
29. Change your mind.
30. Change it back.
31. Watch the sun...see if it moves.
32. Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
33. Paint your windows.
34. Paint.
35. Smile.
36. Paint a smile.
37. Shoot at a fire hydrant.
38. Apologize to it.
39. See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
40. Rotate your garden...daily.
41. Plant a shoe.
42. Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you, and tell them what a good job they
are doing...on April 1st.
43. Sweat.
44. Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil.
45. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.
46. Mix and match the parts.
47. Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
48. Take your sofa for a walk.
49. Write a letter to Plato.
50. Mail it.
51. Start.
52. Stop.
53. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
54. Carry a tune.
55. Drop it to see if it breaks.
56. Starch your shoes.
57. Contemplate a cockroach.
58. Get a dog to chase your car.
59. Let him catch it.
60. Form a political party.
61. Throw a political party.
62. Climb a sidewalk.
63. Ride a loaf of bread.
64. Annoy yourself.
65. Get angry with yourself.
66. Stop speaking to yourself.
67. Kiss and make-up.
68. Stand on your head.
69. Stand on someone else's head.
70. Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire.
71. Build a pyramid.
72. Paint your teeth.
73. Wear a salad.
74. Speak with a forked tongue.
75. MAKE a drive in window at your local bank.
76. Walk on water...but DON'T get caught.
77. Shave a shrub.
78. Have a proton fight.
79. Watch a car rust.
80. Quiver.
81. Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
82. Learn to type...with your toes.
83. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
84. Mail it to a friend.
85. Be in the wrong place at the right time.
86. Be someone special.
87. Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
88. Request covert assistance from the CIA.
89. Factor your social security number. (Mine has only 3 prime factors)
90. Take the fifth.
91. Take the sixth.
92. Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.
93. Join the Foreign Legion.
94. Learn to write Sanskrit.
95. Learn to read Sanskrit.
96. Exist...existentially of course.
97. Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.
98. Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
99. Print counterfeit Confederate money.
100. Kick a cabbage.
101. Take a picture.
102. Put it back.
103. Go back to square one.
104. Sand a mushroom.
105. Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.
106. Play solitare...for cash.
107. Abuse your patio furniture.
108. Write a book about a previous life.
109. Count to a million...fast.
110. Have your cat bronzed.
111. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
112. Revert.
113. Sleep on a bed of nails.
114. Don't toss and turn.
115. Think shallow thoughts.
116. Run around in squares.
117. Boil ice cream.
118. Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.
119. Converse...with a flatworm.
120. Speak in acronyms.
121. Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
122. Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
123. Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.
124. Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
125. Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
126. Calmly have a nervous breakdown.
127. Give your goldfish a perm.
128. Fly a brick.
129. Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
130. Paint stripes on a lake.
131. Ski Kansas.
132. Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.
133. Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
134. Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.
135. Do a good job.
136. Crawl.
137. Be a side effect.
138. Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.
139. Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.
140. Duck.
141. Redecorate your garage.
142. Develope a complex.
143. Join the Army...be someone simple.
144. Try harder.
145. Hit the deck.
146. Cut the deck.
147. Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.
148. Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
149. Be number six.
150. Sit.
151. Stay.
152. Roll over.
153. Play dead.
154. Scheme.
155. Sprinkle your family room.
156. Cause a power failure.
157. Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
158. Give a lecture tour on the historical signifigance of cream cheese.
159. Wrigle.
160. Debate politics with a fern.
161. If you lose stop watering it.
162. Donate your brother's body to science.
163. Join Hell's Angels by mail.
164. Wonder.
165. Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave.
166. Be a square root.
167. Park your car...with a friend.
168. Park your car...with a group of friends.
169. Ask stupid questions.
170. Spew.
171. Surf Ohio.
172. Go bowling...for small game.
173. Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed.
174. Hang it on the wall in your office.
175. Staple.
176. Solve the population problem. i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x.
177. Contribute to the population problem.
178. Interview a cloud.
179. Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.
180. Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.
181. Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.
182. Crumble.
183. Crumple.
184. Translate Shakespeare into English.
185. Send the president an alarm clock...wind it up first.
186. Do aerobics...in your head.
187. Play cards with your swimming pool.
188. Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.
189. Send your goldfish to obedience school.
190. Pinstripe your driveway.
191. Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."
192. Harness chipmunk power
193. Free the opressed toaster-ovens of America.
194. Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America.
195. Change your name...daily.
196. Go for a walk...in the attic.
197. Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
198. Regress.
199. Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat.
200. Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.
201. Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
202. Boldly go where no man has gone before.
203. Jump back.
204. Play to lose.
205. Scalp a VW.
206. Be a threat to the American way of life.
207. Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.
208. Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.
209. Have your car painted plaid.
210. Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)
211. Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation.
212. Race turnips.
213. Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.
214. Sharpen your sleeping skills.
215. Put out a fire.
216. If you can't find one make one.
217. Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember you found the heat capacity of the first one)
218. Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape jello.
219. Tree a goldfish.
220. Get a college education.
221. Bury your fathers Nissan.
222. Tell him the dog did it.
223. Catch a falling star.
224. Throw it back.
225. Place your cat in hyper-space.
226. Again tell your dad the dog did it.
227. Corner the market on Agnew in '76 buttons.
228. Find out where all these cylinders graduated from.
229. Install handicapped access to the your favorite pathetic baseball team's dugout.
230. Kickstart your TV.
231. Kickstop your TV.
232. Perfect the internal cumbustion telephone.
233. Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.
234. Complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do.
235. Make a list of things to do when bored.
236. Renumber the bored list...
Soruce http://funnyforall.us.tc
WHICH CONDOMS WOULD YOU USE ?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family Double
Mint:Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Source http://funnyforall.us.tc
Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbours wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in
India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Indian boy says: " 1 237. 64"
Boss says: "1 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small
fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said
down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a
boat, so we went down to the boating department and
I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to our automotive
department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he
had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw
in about 0 worth of groceries and two cases of
beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy
Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is
the best way to relax your mind."
AbhishekBacchan: I_can_act_too@yuva.com
AmitabhBacchan: accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tv
AnilKapoor: expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.com
SalmanKhan: why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.com
ShahRukhKhan: over_emotions@mostmovies.com
RamGopalVarma: same_formula@bombayunderworld.co.in
SunilShetty: hoping_to_be@indianarnold.com
AamirKhan: whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.com
AamirKhan(alternateaddress): married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.com
SaifAliKhan: goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.com
HritikRoshan: main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.com
HritikRoshan(alternateaddress): main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.com
AjayDevgan: finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.com
BobbyDeol: noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.com
Sunny Deol: He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers. Mail address is a secret.
Urmila: ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.com
MallikaSherawat: I_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.com
AmishaPatel: Kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.com
KareenaKapoor: oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.com
Raveena Tandon: waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.com
www.funonthenet.in
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain PATEL
welcoming
both seated and standing passengers on board of Air India.
We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad
weather and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.
This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we
will End up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may
even be landing on your village!
Air India has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards
are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is
with
pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our
Passengers have reached their destination.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and
memorable, we serve Complimentary DHARU and Wada pavw. For our
not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown
as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie
buffs, we will be flying right next to Emirates Airline, where their
movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the
Cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to
slow
down!
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as
possible. For the best view , if however, we go a little too close,
do
let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through
the
landmark!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off
and
fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt,
kindly Fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of
you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a
stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.
ENJOY FLYING AIR INDIA!
www.funonthenet.in
... A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her,
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them
Source :- http://www.jokeemail.com
... Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
Sandwiches
The sales manager at a local company was always complaining about
something. The people who worked for him were a regular target of
his displeasure.
"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his
secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick
me up a sandwich on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll
even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never
guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old
Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well,
we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd
forget the sandwiches."
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
A. M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer
all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some
things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Tell Walt and Elmer if they were here they would have to shave but
it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on
trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden
us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the
city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors
and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big
as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like
the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same
time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near
300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
(Thanks, Fran in Destin)
1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8
2. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
3. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
4. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
5. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
7. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
8. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
9. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
10. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
11. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at anytime. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 12. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
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2. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
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3. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
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4. Bring cheerleaders.
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5. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
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6. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
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7. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
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8. Bring pets.
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9. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
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10. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
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11. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
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12. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
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13. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
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14. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
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15. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
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16. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
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17. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
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18. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
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19. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
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20. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
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21. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
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22. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
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23. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
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24. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
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25. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
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26. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
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27. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
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28. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
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29. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
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30. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
funny-city.com
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I
4. If the person says he' s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel"!
