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10 things you don't want to hear from a doctor

1. The bad news is you have the desease, the good news is we can name it after you.
2. (saying to another doctor) Okay your on. First one done the surgery takes all.
3. If he's not the one with the tumor then who is?
4. Count backwards from 10 to 1. 10... 9.... 8.... 6.... 5.....
5. Right lung left lung what's the difference.
6. Yes, I have done this before....
...... on a dog.
7. You have a tumor in your... um ... I forget what you call it. Oh yeah1 your brain.
8. Okay students we are now going into the colon.
9. I think so.
10. A 2 year college is just the same as a 4 year one.

Humor - Tips for Using It in Talks and Speeches

There are many occasions when you can find yourself speaking to an audience. These can range from report to club members to a formal talk or lecture at a professional gathering. Whatever the occasion you want information be of interest and remembered.

Humor can help you achieve both goals. Now this is not the same as giving humorous talk. That is a most difficult speech to deliver effectively, requiring a special talent and skill. These tips have to do with the use of humor in your presentations, whatever these may be, to help make your points clear and remembered.

Everything that said in my previous article, Humor - Tips for Using it in Everyday Conversation, also applies to using humor in speeches. But public or platform speaking at is sometimes called does have some additional considerations. Almost every professional speechwriter agrees on what the important ones are.

First

You are speaking to present an idea or discuss a subject. Use only those jokes or bits of humor that help you do that. A funny story that has nothing to do with your subject won't help you or your audience. Often a person is inclined to begin a presentation with a joke or humorous story. Your are immediately on shaky ground when you do. You have, in effect, a stand-alone bit of humor. It may or may not get the laugh you want. If the audience does not laugh, then you've lost that moment of initial interest audiences always give a speaker.

One way to overcome this risk is making sure your opening story has a point so strong that even if the laugh does not come, you can continue immediately focusing on the point of your story.

Second

With humor you can actually make a point three times. You make your statement, follow it with your joke to highlight or illustrate what you just said, then you restate your original point. Three times you made your point: Your statement, the illustrative joke, a restatement. The listener, in recalling the humor at a future time, also recalls the point associated with it.

One comedy-writing technique to help you fit a story to your subject is called "Switching." You can change either the build up or the punch line for it to fit your subject matter.

Example of changing the build up:
Original:
Neighbor: Do you like your new sister, Tommy?
Tommy: Oh yes, but there are lots of things we needed more.
Switched:
Friend: I hear your mother married again. Do you like your new father?
Tommy: He's all right, but there's lots of things we needed more.

Example of changing the punch line:
Original:
Desperate panhandler: Lady, I haven't eaten in four days.
Rich lady: Young man, you must learn to force yourself.
Switched:
Panhandler: Lady, I haven't eaten in four days. Can you help me.
Rich Lady: Certainly. I recommend The Ritz, a wonderful restaurant on 14th Street.

Take time to practice switching jokes. Beside being fun, it will expand your story file.

Third

Try to personalize and localize your stories. Instead of saying "a man" and "a city" give the man and the city names that the audience recognizes. If you can use their locale and people in the audience, so much the better. Work yourself into the joke as though you saw it happen, and if you can become the fall guy, better still. They'll love you for it.

Fourth

When your joke has quotes, deliver them in the style of the jokes above. Do not say, "He's all right," said Tommy, "But there's lots of things we needed more". That's OK in writing, but in speaking it slows down the story.

With a practice you can make amusing stories funny ones. (c) Cy Eberhart 2006

As a hospital chaplain Cy Eberhart, (now retired) was a firsthand witness to the entire spectrum of human emotions: personal successes and failures; the deepest despairs and the great peaks of joy. Two questions remained foremost in his mind: How was it that some could find inner strengths that brought courage and hope and others could not? What was to be learned from these experiences that would have a positive and creative effect for daily, routine living?

What the Doctor Really Means When He Says...

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


"Welllllll, what have we here..."

Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.


"We'll see."

First I have to check my malpractice insurance.


"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.


"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.


"How are we today?"

I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap.


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.


"Everything seems to be normal."

I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.


"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one

In my career I've had plenty of job interviews, probably fifty. And I have to admit that my get-an-offer percentage is maybe 95%; not bad. On the flip side, I have interviewed over a hundred candidates, hiring a number of good people with few exceptions and only one a probable serial killer (he apparently knew the eighteen 'Do Nots').

I have asked it all, heard it all, answered it all, and seen it all. It is from this wealth of experience that I have culled eighteen must 'Do Nots' to share with you. You can thank me later. Here they are:

1. Do not be late.

2. Do not put your feet on the desk.

3. Do not eat garlic 24 hours prior.

4. Do not have a flapping dried nostril booger or a long protruding nose hair.

5. Do not have a stringer of spittle in the corner of your mouth.

6. Do not shake hands if your palm is cold, clammy and limp.

7. Do not wear sneakers unless they are brand new.

8. Do not wear a lapel pin of any sort unless it is the American or Mexican flag.

9. Do not ask about hours, salary, vacation, pensions, insurance or anything else that might be considered ... well ... not job related.

10. Do not say "bottom line" or "at the end of the day" less than five times every five minutes.

11. Do not quote Scripture or Seinfeld.

12. Do not forget to "push back" at least once on some safe topic (e.g., interviewer: "Tell me about your last job." Interviewee response: "I need to push back. You seem stupider than tar!").

13. Do not use words like "mammy", "pappy", "gedder done" or "irregardless" unless it's for a job at the Monster Truck rally.

14. Do not reach for your pocket flask unless you are willing to share it with the interviewer (which I highly encourage you do to break the ice).

15. Do not divulge what sex positions you like unless explicitly asked.

16. (Related to rule 15) Do not use the "C" word under any circumstances, ever! "F", "B" and "S" words are okay but only if encouraged by the interviewer.

17. Do not fall asleep.

18. Do not forget to leave when it's over.

There you have it. Most of it common sense. But you'd be surprised just how many people forget. If you master these rules and don't forget to weasel word at every opportunity, you too should find success at your next job interview.

Happy job hunting.


http://www.cranelegs.com

If Women Ruled The World How Life Goes

1) Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

2) PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

3) Men that slept around would come with records, just like guys keep maintenance records on cars.

4) Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

5) Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

6) Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

7) Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity and men would be required to go to clothing stores or malls to help women pick out new outfits.

8) Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

9) Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

10) Men would be required to learn phrases like "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".

11) All toilet seats would be nailed down.

12) TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

13) All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

Dating Tips For Women

(1) Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

(2) What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

(3) Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

(4) Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

(5) A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night".

(6) The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend".

25 "Facts" About Women

1) Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2) Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3) Women "never" have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4) Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5) Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6) Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7) Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8) Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9) Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10) Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11) Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12) Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13) Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14) Women think all beer is the same.

15) Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16) Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

17) If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18) Women brush their hair before bed.

19) Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

20) Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21) Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22) Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

23) Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24) The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25) Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


Source By http://www.sodamnfunny.com

Honeymoon


A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."
She said "What?"

He said "Put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.

"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in the family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties."

She said, "That's right and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

Before & After Wedding

Before wedding -
"you are my heart, you are my love"
After wedding -
"you get on my nerve."
Before wedding -
"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding -
"you are worse than godzila. "

Before wedding -
Roses are red, violets are blue
Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
After wedding -
Roses are dead, I am blue
You get on my head, I will sue you

Before wedding -
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding -
You want to go, he says lei tang-la

Before wedding -
She enjoys his looks
After wedding -
She enjoys his cheque book

Before wedding -
Shopping at Sogo, Lot 10 and StarHill
After wedding -
Shopping at Pasar Malam at Chow Yang SS 2

Before wedding -
She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding -
Don't know whether katak or biawak

Before wedding -
Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill
After wedding -
Furthest you go is Gasing Hill

Before wedding -
He opens the car door
After wedding -
He opens his mouth and snores

Before wedding -
She / he was your ideal
After wedding -
She / he becomes your ordeal

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Funny Sports Quotes

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the Redskins say, "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Pitcher Tug McGraw on how he went bankrupt after several seasons making several million dollars per year: "I spent 98% of my money on booze and broads, and the other 2% I wasted foolishly."

"Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

[Funny] Hit the Target !

H o w t o C a t c h a L I O N

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tired and surrenders

Signboard for smokers !

leave letters

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...



Warning: don’t laugh out loud… you’re in office! Yes…… you can smile like that though!!


Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.




This is from Oracle Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the first haircut ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days"




Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Funny Pics






PUBLIC TOILET in China

[CoOL] Where Is God ?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always
getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief
occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.So the mother sent
the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the
preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, Do you know where God is, son?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth
hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, Where is
God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, Where is
God?!

The boy screamed , ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the
door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
what happened?

The younger brother, gasping f or breath, replied, We are in BIG trouble
this time.

(I just LOVE reading next line again and again)

scroll down

.........

...

.........

....

........

.........

................

............................ ........

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

Pakya Bhai Supariwala

Objective:
To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA)

Education:
* B.S. (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August 1994
* M.S. (Criminal Sciences) Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and
the Unlawful Activists(VPISUA), August 1996.

Thesis:
"On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatraz with minimal efforts"

Coursework:
Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer
Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object Oriented
Crime Design

Work Experience:
* Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990-Aug 1991
* Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project
* Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange, strawberry; and mint
flavors (Patent# 007,13,666)

Summer Internship:
* Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan Associates, Bombay, June1987-July1990
* Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style killings
* Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta Collections

Honors & Achievements:
* Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child prodigies in crime)
* Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum) student chapter
* Performer of the year in 2004 General Elections in Bihar & U.P.
* Strong hold on Govt. & NGOs.
* Specialized in extortion,illegal construction business & fake academic
degree supply.

References:
* Dr. Charles Sobhraj, Full Time Prof., Tihar Jail, New Delhi
* Dr. Chandra Swamy, Visiting Faculty Tihar Jail, New Delhi
* Dr. Dawood Ibrahim, Overseas Projects Manager, Dubai

[Funny] Solved a Problem

Funny animal




funny pictures







Funny Pics






STUPID OF THE DAY

At the Zoo by Alan Alexander Milne

There are lions and roaring tigers,
and enormous camels and things,
There are biffalo-buffalo-bisons,
and a great big bear with wings.
There's a sort of a tiny potamus,
and a tiny nosserus too -
But I gave buns to the elephant
when I went down to the Zoo!

There are badgers and bidgers and bodgers,
and a Super-in-tendent's House,
There are masses of goats, and a Polar,
and different kinds of mouse,
And I think there's a sort of a something
which is called a wallaboo -
But I gave buns to the elephant
when I went down to the Zoo!


If you try to talk to the bison,
he never quite understands;
You can't shake hands with a mingo -
he doesn't like shaking hands.
And lions and roaring tigers
hate saying, "How do you do?" -
But I give buns to the elephant
when I go down to the Zoo!


Source By http://www.funny-poems.biz

funny pics



Why sardarjee Suicide

Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji.

Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds idlis in the box.

He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tommorow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die".

Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says " If I find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die "

Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says " Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"


Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their colleagues, the Mallu's widow says " I did not know he hated idlis so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch "

The Bengali's widow says " I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

The sardarji's widow says " I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch....!!!

A Paki, Bangladeshi and a Sardar


A Paki, Bangladeshi and a Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Paki drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to
pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Sardar , cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Paki and
Bangladeshi. He says "In Delhi we have so many Pakis and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Humor :- On the Road Again

My wife and I need to exercisemore. Every time we leave the house we notice vultures circling overhead in anticipation and now our washing machine is doing that nasty thing where it shrinks our clothes. So, in a moment of pure inspiration and absolutely no intelligent thought whatsoever, we decide to take up mountain biking. We could remember biking as kids and there was nothing to it. We set out to purchase our bikes with the fond memory of a cool breeze gently blowing in our faces.

One of the first things we notice is that the seats are too small. Apparently they are now making the seats smaller than in our youth. The clerk smiles knowingly and smugly suggests that for the more mature biking enthusiasts they can attach foam padding. There is, of course, an extra charge. My wife chooses the extra padding and is currently riding around on what looks like a bucket seat from a 1967 Buick. I, on the other hand, have decided to save the additional expense and go without the padding. My proctologist has assured me that the tingling in my left buttock should eventually fade away.

Early Saturday morning we prepare for our first cycling adventure. We decide to leave early to insure we'll be back before dark. My wife is to travel in front and carry a fanny pack with suntan lotion, a first aid kit and our medical insurance cards. Her job is to set the pace. My job is to follow behind and criticize. I'll be carrying a backpack filled with: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (for subsistence), energy bars (for endurance), 2 jugs of Gatorade (to replenish our bodily fluids), rain gear (in case of inclement weather), a map and compass (in case we get lost), a flashlight (in case we're lost at night), and signal flares (to assist the search party).

We go over the route one final time. I spread the map out on the kitchen table, pointer in hand. "This is the route we'll be taking, so pay close attention. If you have any questions, now is the time to ask."

I carefully review the emergency procedures. "If separated, we will rendezvous either here, at check-point Charlie, or here, at check-point Romeo."

"We've been over this four times already," my wife complains, obviously taking the whole adventure much too lightly and showing no respect for my superior training and experience. After all, I was the one who spent nearly two full years in the Cub Scouts, not her. Fortunately, I understand the seriousness of the task ahead and have taken the necessary precautions.

We're finally ready to put our weeks of training and preparations to use. It's time to venture forth and boldly go where no sane middle-aged man or woman has gone before -- it's time to leave our driveway.

I brief the kids. "Now remember, while we're gone I want one of you to remain by the phone at all times in case we need to call for assistance."

"But you're only going around the block," the kids complain. "The house will be in sight the entire time."

Ah, the innocence of youth. They oversimplify everything.

Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are to busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the guns down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it upanyhow."

Sleeping facts

Sleeping facts

Bees never sleep, but they can be found resting in empty cells. But if they are around, they never let you sleep either.

Birds of Paradise can sleep upside down. As long as you're sleeping, you are in paradise anyway!

Snakes do not sleep but they can't shut their eyes! Do they shut the light then?

Ants sleep about three hours, then stretch and appear to yawn on waking up.
If we worked as hard as they did, we'd probably sleep for three years.

Sperm whales sleep vertically with their heads pointed towards the bottom of the ocean. Are they searching for something?

Albatrosses are able to sleep and fly at the same time. Wish we could sleep while working too!

Cats sleep 90% of their life away. Wish we could also do that!

Giraffes rarely lie down; they sleep and give birth standing up. (Now we know why they are so tall)

Sharks neither sleep nor stop swimming. Always a danger when you are at sea!

Bats hang upside down to sleep! What if they lose their grip while sleeping?

Snails can sleep for 3 years! No wonder, they appear asleep even while moving.

Dolphins can sleep with half of their brains still functioning. At work, humans use only one fourth!

Funny Quotes

1. God is real, unless declared integer

2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

3. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

4. Home is where the television is.

5. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

6. Death is hereditary.

7. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

8. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

9. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

10.Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

11.Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else..

12.Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

13.Well done is better than well said.

14.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

15.They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.

16.Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

17.You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

18.I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

19.If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

20.Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.

21.The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

22.Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

23.I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

24.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

25.LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge

26.Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

27.The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

28.There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

29.An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing

Java Interview attended by our Banta Singh

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more

Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can't communicate.

Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus dep ot.

Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.

Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.

Q. What is the exact diffe rence between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast


Source By funonthenet.in

What the teacher says and (what the teacher really means).

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact
with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment
she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and
must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

Funniest one line jokes.
Judge:
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"

Wife: "I
couldn't lift the table."


"What did one ghost say to
another?"


"Do you believe in people?"
My friend has a fine watch
dog.

At any suspicious noise he
wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our
language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.


"Room Service?
Can you send up a towel?"


"Please wait
someone else is using it."



When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he
made me pay in advance.

"Where did
you get those big eyes?"

"They came
with the face."



I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife
had already seen Niagara Falls.



But the psychiatrist really helped me
a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I
answer it whether it rings or not.





It was love at first sight. Then I
took a second look !!



"Look, guide,
here are some lion tracks."





"Good. You
see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."



"Do you think I"ll lose my
looks as I get older?"


"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws
paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.


"Has there
been any insanity in your family?"


"Yes,
doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."


I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the
handwriting for it.



"My wife doesn't know what she
wants."




"You're lucky. My wife
does."


We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her
and she doesn't speak to me.



"What do
use for washing dishes?"


"Oh, I
tried many things but found my husband best."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"

"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make
him happy?"


"Young man, do
you think you can handle a variety of work?"



"I ought to be
able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."




Two men and one woman

This stuff is really funny....Enjoy


On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:



Two Italian men; one Italian woman


Two French men; one French woman


Two German men; one German woman


Two Greek men; one Greek woman


Two English men; one English woman


Two Bulgarian men; one Bulgarian woman


Two Japanese men; one Japanese woman


Two Chinese men; one Chinese woman


Two American men; one American woman


Two Irish men; one Irish woman



One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:



1. One Italian men killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.


2. The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in menage-a-trois.


3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman;


4. The two Greek men are sleeping and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.


5. The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.


6. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.


7. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


8. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.


9. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do and how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.


10. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun


Source By www.funonthenet.in

Emergency

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!


Source By www.Funonthenet.in

Japani's English

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr.Clinton should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwardswards we, translators, will do the work for you."

It looks quite simple,but the truth is...

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said
"Who r u?" (instead of "How r u?". )

Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I'm Hillay's husband, ha-ha..."

Then Mori replied
"me too, ha-ha..".

Then there was a long silent in the meeting room.


Source by funonthenet.in

Chinese Joke

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe

Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Rightnow, Avery Wan is on his way to

the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an

urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Cricket Quiz :HOW MUCH DO U KNOW ABOUT CRICKET?

Cricket quiz:-

Lets test your cricket knowledge !!
Can you name this Indian legend ?

He scored an unbeaten match-winning century on debut.

























and spl; He is an opening batsman and a medium-pace bowler.


















He is the only batsman after Sir Don Bradman to have an average above 95.















Socho, socho



















Ek hint aur

He won a match for his team by hitting a six of the last delivery.


















abhi tak nahin samj ayee
........................,
Scroll down


















Chalo thek hai aur ek hint,
He won the first match in which he was appointed as Captain.






















Abhi tak nahin samj aya ........................,
Shame on you what kind of a cricket Fan r u.......,






Scroll down for the answer

















The Answer is Mr. Bhuvan from Champaaner.(LAGAAN)

Sardar Terrorist
There were two Sardarjis Bantya and Santya as bombers. They
had to place a time bomb in order to explode a building. So
they were going on their destination in a car. On their way
Bantya asked Santya, "Santya what will happen if the time
bomb explodes in this car itself." Santya replied
"Don't worry, I have a spare one!!!!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&



Dangerous Buddy: A man goes to the doctor and as he touches every part of his body with his finger he says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Where you ever a friends with a Sardar?"
"Yes I was." he replies. "why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

cool jokes

Today at 12:58:43 PM by bhaanurocks
Time To LAUGH
Teacher to Sardar " Where were U born?
Sardar : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Sardar : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

================================================================

Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came again..

================================================================

Sardar complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Sardar : I was watching TV na....

================================================================
Thought for the Day!!!

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?

Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

================================================================
Tihar Jail ordered 999 Shirts and 1000 Pants for its inmates.
Tell why this odd combination?


Answer : Bcos SALMAN KHAN is coming and He hardly wear SHIRTs!!!

================================================================
Do you know the similarity between "Dinasaurs" & "Decent Girls"

Answer: Both dont exist on earth !!!

================================================================
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?

Answer : On their Wedding !!

================================================================
Whats the height of Intelligence?

Answer : A 99 year old Sardar going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ...
---------------------

BLONDE JOKES

A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."

Funny Stuff

She was so blonde...
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.
She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'
She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test... and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

How To Speak Chinese In 5 Min.

1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ............................ Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ................ Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table ............ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
7) I think you need a face lift ............ Chin Tu Fat
8) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim
9) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
10) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
11) Your body odor is offensive ...........Yu Stin Ki Pu

Top 10 Male Rejection Lines

10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.

7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.

6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.

5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.

4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.

3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.

2. I'm saved, so my heart belongs to Jesus. Translation: You're ugly.

1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're totally ugly.

Female Rejection Lines

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You give me the creeps.

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I may as well be dating my dad.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: I don't want to be seen in public with a dork like you.

7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I'm busy seeing other guys. Who are you again?

6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I'd rather be with my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.

4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.

3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

2. I'm saved, so my heart belongs to Jesus. Translation: I've sworn off men like you.

1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and go out with. I appreciate the male perspective.

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Funny LiStS

TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management

course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new

paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you

discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"

A REAL MCDONALDS JOB APPLICATION (THEY REALLY HIRED HIM)

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was

in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If

that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50

LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that

runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the

Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously

wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd

like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR

KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

FUNNY STORY - CARJACKER FOILED

As soon as everyone is packing heat we'll all be a lot safer, right?

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags

and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it

and that she will if required... so get out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but

got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the

car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition.

Her car was identical and parked five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to

nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white

males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman... no charges were filed.

When U R Bored

When U R Bored Do ThIs FuNnY ThInGs

236 THINGS TO DO WHEN UR BORED

1. Wax the ceiling.

2. Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car.

3. Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on all four feet.

4. Repeat above until failure.

5. Rearrange political campaign signs.

6. Sharpen your teeth.

7. Play Houdini with one of your siblings.

8. Braid your dogs hair.

9. Clean and polish your belly button.

10. Water your dog...see if he grows.

11. Wash a tree.

12. Knight yourself and some close friends.

13. Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.

14. Flirt with an evergreen.

15. Scare Steven King.

16. Give your cat a mohawk.

17. Purr.

18. Mow your carpet.

19. Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)

20. Whine.

21. Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.

22. Listen to a painting.

23. Play with matches.

24. Buff your cat.

25. Raise professional racing ferrets.

26. Paint your home...day-glo orange.

27. Read Homer in the original Greek.

28. Learn Greek.

29. Change your mind.

30. Change it back.

31. Watch the sun...see if it moves.

32. Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.

33. Paint your windows.

34. Paint.

35. Smile.

36. Paint a smile.

37. Shoot at a fire hydrant.

38. Apologize to it.

39. See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.

40. Rotate your garden...daily.

41. Plant a shoe.

42. Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you, and tell them what a good job they

are doing...on April 1st.

43. Sweat.

44. Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil.

45. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.

46. Mix and match the parts.

47. Turn your TV picture tube upside down.

48. Take your sofa for a walk.

49. Write a letter to Plato.

50. Mail it.

51. Start.

52. Stop.

53. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.

54. Carry a tune.

55. Drop it to see if it breaks.

56. Starch your shoes.

57. Contemplate a cockroach.

58. Get a dog to chase your car.

59. Let him catch it.

60. Form a political party.

61. Throw a political party.

62. Climb a sidewalk.

63. Ride a loaf of bread.

64. Annoy yourself.

65. Get angry with yourself.

66. Stop speaking to yourself.

67. Kiss and make-up.

68. Stand on your head.

69. Stand on someone else's head.

70. Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire.

71. Build a pyramid.

72. Paint your teeth.

73. Wear a salad.

74. Speak with a forked tongue.

75. MAKE a drive in window at your local bank.

76. Walk on water...but DON'T get caught.

77. Shave a shrub.

78. Have a proton fight.

79. Watch a car rust.

80. Quiver.

81. Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.

82. Learn to type...with your toes.

83. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

84. Mail it to a friend.

85. Be in the wrong place at the right time.

86. Be someone special.

87. Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.

88. Request covert assistance from the CIA.

89. Factor your social security number. (Mine has only 3 prime factors)

90. Take the fifth.

91. Take the sixth.

92. Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.

93. Join the Foreign Legion.

94. Learn to write Sanskrit.

95. Learn to read Sanskrit.

96. Exist...existentially of course.

97. Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.

98. Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.

99. Print counterfeit Confederate money.

100. Kick a cabbage.

101. Take a picture.

102. Put it back.

103. Go back to square one.

104. Sand a mushroom.

105. Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.

106. Play solitare...for cash.

107. Abuse your patio furniture.

108. Write a book about a previous life.

109. Count to a million...fast.

110. Have your cat bronzed.

111. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.

112. Revert.

113. Sleep on a bed of nails.

114. Don't toss and turn.

115. Think shallow thoughts.

116. Run around in squares.

117. Boil ice cream.

118. Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.

119. Converse...with a flatworm.

120. Speak in acronyms.

121. Drive the speed limit...in your garage.

122. Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.

123. Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.

124. Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.

125. Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.

126. Calmly have a nervous breakdown.

127. Give your goldfish a perm.

128. Fly a brick.

129. Play tag...on the nearest interstate.

130. Paint stripes on a lake.

131. Ski Kansas.

132. Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.

133. Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.

134. Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.

135. Do a good job.

136. Crawl.

137. Be a side effect.

138. Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.

139. Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.

140. Duck.

141. Redecorate your garage.

142. Develope a complex.

143. Join the Army...be someone simple.

144. Try harder.

145. Hit the deck.

146. Cut the deck.

147. Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.

148. Put legwarmers on all your furniture.

149. Be number six.

150. Sit.

151. Stay.

152. Roll over.

153. Play dead.

154. Scheme.

155. Sprinkle your family room.

156. Cause a power failure.

157. Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.

158. Give a lecture tour on the historical signifigance of cream cheese.

159. Wrigle.

160. Debate politics with a fern.

161. If you lose stop watering it.

162. Donate your brother's body to science.

163. Join Hell's Angels by mail.

164. Wonder.

165. Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave.

166. Be a square root.

167. Park your car...with a friend.

168. Park your car...with a group of friends.

169. Ask stupid questions.

170. Spew.

171. Surf Ohio.

172. Go bowling...for small game.

173. Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed.

174. Hang it on the wall in your office.

175. Staple.

176. Solve the population problem. i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x.

177. Contribute to the population problem.

178. Interview a cloud.

179. Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.

180. Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.

181. Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.

182. Crumble.

183. Crumple.

184. Translate Shakespeare into English.

185. Send the president an alarm clock...wind it up first.

186. Do aerobics...in your head.

187. Play cards with your swimming pool.

188. Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.

189. Send your goldfish to obedience school.

190. Pinstripe your driveway.

191. Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."

192. Harness chipmunk power

193. Free the opressed toaster-ovens of America.

194. Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America.

195. Change your name...daily.

196. Go for a walk...in the attic.

197. Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.

198. Regress.

199. Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat.

200. Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.

201. Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.

202. Boldly go where no man has gone before.

203. Jump back.

204. Play to lose.

205. Scalp a VW.

206. Be a threat to the American way of life.

207. Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.

208. Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.

209. Have your car painted plaid.

210. Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)

211. Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation.

212. Race turnips.

213. Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.

214. Sharpen your sleeping skills.

215. Put out a fire.

216. If you can't find one make one.

217. Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember you found the heat capacity of the first one)

218. Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape jello.

219. Tree a goldfish.

220. Get a college education.

221. Bury your fathers Nissan.

222. Tell him the dog did it.

223. Catch a falling star.

224. Throw it back.

225. Place your cat in hyper-space.

226. Again tell your dad the dog did it.

227. Corner the market on Agnew in '76 buttons.

228. Find out where all these cylinders graduated from.

229. Install handicapped access to the your favorite pathetic baseball team's dugout.

230. Kickstart your TV.

231. Kickstop your TV.

232. Perfect the internal cumbustion telephone.

233. Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.

234. Complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do.

235. Make a list of things to do when bored.

236. Renumber the bored list...


Soruce http://funnyforall.us.tc

Which Condom Would U Use

WHICH CONDOMS WOULD YOU USE ?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family Double

Mint:Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before


Source http://funnyforall.us.tc

Mathematics

Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.


Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".


What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.


A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbours wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out


Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"

Indian Sales Man

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in
India."

Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Indian boy says: " 1 237. 64"

Boss says: "1 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small
fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said
down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a
boat, so we went down to the boating department and
I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to our automotive
department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he
had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw
in about 0 worth of groceries and two cases of
beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy
Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is
the best way to relax your mind."

;;
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