Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
A. M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer
all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some
things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Tell Walt and Elmer if they were here they would have to shave but
it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on
trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden
us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the
city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors
and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big
as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like
the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same
time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near
300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
(Thanks, Fran in Destin)
1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8
2. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
3. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
4. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
5. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
7. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
8. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
9. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
10. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
11. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at anytime. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 12. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
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2. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
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3. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
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4. Bring cheerleaders.
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5. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
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6. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
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7. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
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8. Bring pets.
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9. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
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10. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
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11. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
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12. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
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13. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
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14. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
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15. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
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16. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
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17. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
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18. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
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19. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
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20. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
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21. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
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22. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
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23. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
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24. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
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25. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
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26. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
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27. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
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28. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
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29. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
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30. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
funny-city.com
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I
4. If the person says he' s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel"!
