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First Day of College

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires,
"How much for a season pass?"

Thanks to http://crazy-jokes.com

Recently, a group of scientists and psychologists decided to try and find out what the funniest joke in the world was. This was obviously going to be a difficult task, as no two people ever really agree about what is funny and what is not – especially when they are from different countries.

Double-click on any word and see its definition from Cambridge Dictionaries Online.

Read the article and then do an activity. Finally, do some writing yourself and read texts written by other readers.

In some ways, this is strange. Telling jokes, along with telling stories (which is a similar activity), is one of the most frequent and widespread activities around the world. All countries, all cultures, all languages have their jokes. Unlike telling stories, however, jokes are sometimes not funny or often completely incomprehensible to people who are not part of that culture.

Some things do remain the same – many jokes from around the world like to make fun of people who are stupid, or sometimes people in authority. A lot of jokes are about taboo subjects – jokes can be a way of talking about things that in normal “polite” society we are not allowed to mention. The problem is, of course, is that people in authority or taboo subjects, for example, change from country to country and from culture to culture.

Anyhow, after a year-long serious academic survey, here is the joke which the experts decided was the the funniest joke in the world:

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are closed. The other hunter takes out his mobile phone and calls emergency services. “My friend is dead!” he cries to the operator, “What can I do?” The operator, in a calm voice says: “Don’t worry. I can help. First, make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Bang! The hunter’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

Hmmmm. I don’t know about you, but I think this is perhaps mildly amusing rather than side-splitting. Culturally, it depends on us knowing that often hunters are not considered to be very intelligent people, and that often they are quite violent. But perhaps this is not so all over the world. It’s also quite a “black” joke – a joke about something which isn’t really a funny subject.

The experts also found the second funniest joke in the world. Here it is:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and asks his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson thinks for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

I personally think this is better – perhaps not still exactly a side-splitter, but certainly a rib-tickler. Understanding this joke, however, depends on us knowing who Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are. It also has an unexpected ending – something that is essential for most jokes. Surprise can be funny.

Can scientists in the end decide what is funny? Some things are much too complicated, even for scientists.

Thanks to http://www.britishcouncil.org

In case you weren’t aware of it, there are internet geeks everywhere. You probably know a few, in fact… you might even be one. Here are the top 10 signs that you might be, well, an internet geek.

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give them your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is actually a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. You often say “LOL” and “LMAO” out loud.

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. You’ve actually reached the end of the internet.

What'd You Think?

Thanks to http://www.funnyandjokes.com

TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"