Funny Pics,Cartoon,Photo,Videos,Celebrity Wallpapers,funny Jokes

101 Ways To Annoy People - Funny Misc Joke

2011-05-04T05:02:00.000-07:00

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Funny Italian Names

2011-04-23T02:08:00.000-07:00

BOCCHINO - That means "blowjob" in slang Italian

INGANNAMORTE - It can be translated "cheat death"

MAIALE - "pig"

INNAMORATO - "in love"

FUMAGALLI - Literally translated "smoke the chicken"

BASTARDO - "bastard"

INUTILE - "useless"

CATARRO - "catarrh"

SALTAFORMAGGIO - "jump the cheese"

PORTAFOGLIO - "wallet"

CULETTO - "little ass"

20 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator While Bored

2011-04-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Next time you're on an elevator and feel alittle bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."
Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

www.funnyandjokes.com

Beggars of today

2009-04-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense

Funny Warning

2009-01-24T23:06:00.000-08:00

Funny and Hot Pipel

2009-01-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

Funny Photo

2009-01-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

Funny boy

2009-01-24T22:49:00.000-08:00

Hot and Funny Pictures

2009-01-24T22:34:00.000-08:00

Funny Italian Jokes

2008-12-23T06:41:00.000-08:00

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Thanks to http://www.funnyjokes.name

Jokes about fat people

2008-10-04T03:21:00.000-07:00

Did you ever find yourself laughing at jokes about fat people? You know, it is not a really nice thing to do, though if they are stupid and fat, then I guess that would make it more or less ok.

Source: http://myfunnybreak.com

Do you want to read the best short jokes and all other funny jokes ?

2008-10-04T03:16:00.000-07:00

Before the time we had computers and internet we used to laugh over simple - short jokes but really funny ones. I am not sure when people started telling the funny jokes, but you can find it here as well as funniest white and mexican jokes and best funny video clips.

source: http://myfunnybreak.com

Funny Balloon Pictures

2008-09-16T05:33:00.000-07:00

Funny Balloon Pictures

2008-08-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

Funny Balloon Pictures

2008-08-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

Funny Balloon Pictures

2008-08-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Camel Bus

2008-08-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

101 Ways To Annoy People

2008-08-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Thanks to www.coolfunnyjokes.com

The Cleaning Man - Lawyer Jokes

2008-08-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

A man was part of a national wildlife preserve before he died. He loved to clean up areas for all kinds of animals, and thought he had done a lot of good in the world. So when he died, he expected to go to heaven.

He was very surprised when the angel, who told people whether they were going to heaven or hell, said, "I'm sorry, but you were sent to hell."

"Are you quite sure you haven't made mistake?" the young man asked.

"We never make mistakes and never have." The angel replied.

So the young man thought, well, okay, and went with the devil to hell.

When the young man got there, he thought, "What a mess! I am NOT going to be living in such a pigsty." so he started to clean the place up.

A few weeks later, the angel came down to hell to tell the young man that they indeed had made a mistake and he was supposed to go to heaven.

"Woah, you can't just take him! He's mine now and this place looks great!" Said the devil.

"Oh, well then we'll just sue you!" The angel said back.

"And how the heck do you plan to do that?" taunted the devil. "We've got all the lawyers."

Thanks to http://www.cleanjoke.com

Funny One Liner Quickies

2008-08-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
?

He loved it, but it scared the poop out of his dog.

Clean "Three island men" Joke

2008-08-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

There was 3 men an englishman, a german and a scotishman they were all stuck on a island. One day they found a lamp they rubbed it and a genie came out. He said "you all get one wish". So the englishman said "I wish I lived in a large stone mansion", and off he went. Then the german said "I want to get in a nice hot jacuzzi", and off he went. Then the scotishman said "I'm lonely I wish mee island friends were back", so they came back.

Thanks to www.cleanjokes4u.com

Real things said in court

2008-08-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Thanks to http://www.jokesunlimited.com

Funny Pics

2008-07-31T05:24:00.000-07:00

Funny

2008-07-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

Funny Photo

2008-07-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

Art With Hands

2008-07-20T14:39:00.001-07:00

Top 10 Funny Jokes

2008-07-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

First Day of College

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires,
"How much for a season pass?"

Thanks to http://crazy-jokes.com

The Funniest Jokes in the world

2008-07-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Recently, a group of scientists and psychologists decided to try and find out what the funniest joke in the world was. This was obviously going to be a difficult task, as no two people ever really agree about what is funny and what is not – especially when they are from different countries.

Double-click on any word and see its definition from Cambridge Dictionaries Online.

Read the article and then do an activity. Finally, do some writing yourself and read texts written by other readers.

In some ways, this is strange. Telling jokes, along with telling stories (which is a similar activity), is one of the most frequent and widespread activities around the world. All countries, all cultures, all languages have their jokes. Unlike telling stories, however, jokes are sometimes not funny or often completely incomprehensible to people who are not part of that culture.

Some things do remain the same – many jokes from around the world like to make fun of people who are stupid, or sometimes people in authority. A lot of jokes are about taboo subjects – jokes can be a way of talking about things that in normal “polite” society we are not allowed to mention. The problem is, of course, is that people in authority or taboo subjects, for example, change from country to country and from culture to culture.

Anyhow, after a year-long serious academic survey, here is the joke which the experts decided was the the funniest joke in the world:

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are closed. The other hunter takes out his mobile phone and calls emergency services. “My friend is dead!” he cries to the operator, “What can I do?” The operator, in a calm voice says: “Don’t worry. I can help. First, make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Bang! The hunter’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

Hmmmm. I don’t know about you, but I think this is perhaps mildly amusing rather than side-splitting. Culturally, it depends on us knowing that often hunters are not considered to be very intelligent people, and that often they are quite violent. But perhaps this is not so all over the world. It’s also quite a “black” joke – a joke about something which isn’t really a funny subject.

The experts also found the second funniest joke in the world. Here it is:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and asks his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson thinks for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

I personally think this is better – perhaps not still exactly a side-splitter, but certainly a rib-tickler. Understanding this joke, however, depends on us knowing who Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are. It also has an unexpected ending – something that is essential for most jokes. Surprise can be funny.

Can scientists in the end decide what is funny? Some things are much too complicated, even for scientists.

Thanks to http://www.britishcouncil.org

Top 10 Signs You’re An Internet Geek

2008-07-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

In case you weren’t aware of it, there are internet geeks everywhere. You probably know a few, in fact… you might even be one. Here are the top 10 signs that you might be, well, an internet geek.

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give them your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is actually a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. You often say “LOL” and “LMAO” out loud.

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. You’ve actually reached the end of the internet.

What'd You Think?

Thanks to http://www.funnyandjokes.com

Funny Pics

2008-07-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

2008-07-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

What Exactly Is Marriage?

What Exactly Is Marriage? (**)

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received
some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give
her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to
the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at
least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one
particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out."
-Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll
do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it
gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't
tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about
love."
-Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try
it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7

Free Funny Pictures

2008-07-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Funny Photo

2008-07-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

Top Funny Pics

2008-07-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

2008-06-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

What kids think about love

KIDS: AND THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, age 9

"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods.
he tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just
couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the
first married gods.
Robbie, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too."
Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell ...That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular.
Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't
want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is
pretty good too."
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and
they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit
together in the dark."
Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the
aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs'
is on television."
Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a
tree."
Carey, age 7

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep
finding me."
Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough."
Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, age 8

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't
worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something
she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9

Top Funny Pictures

2008-06-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

2008-06-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

Horrible Deaths in Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

2008-06-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

Signs in the USA (mostly)

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
"Now serving live lobsters"

On the menu of a restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

In a New Jersey restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the walls of a Baltimore estate
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

In a New York drugstore
"We dispense with accuracy."

In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"

In a funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

Outside a country shop
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
"Parking for birds only."

In the vestry of a New England church
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
extinguished"

In a laundry room
"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
"Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."

In a New York restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
"Crap - .79/lb."

In a Florida maternity ward
"No children allowed."

In the offices of a loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
"Now available in multi-packs"

In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetary
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."

On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."

In a library
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from
the Transbay bus terminal
"Terminal Drugs"

From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell
a crew member."

On a delicatessen wall
"Our best is none too good"

On a roller caoster
"Watch your head"

On a Maine shop
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."

In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel / No end."

A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

2008-06-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Around the World for 210 Guineas
1972 was the 100-year anniversary of Thomas Cook's first round the world travel tour. To commemmorate the occasion, the London Times ran a full article about Cook's 1872 tour, in which it noted that the vacation had cost the participants only 210 guineas each, or approximately $575. Of course, inflation had made a similar vacation quite a bit more expensive by 1972. A few pages later, the Times included a small article noting that in honor of the 100-year anniversary, the travel agent Thomas Cook was offering 1000 lucky people the chance to buy a similar package deal at 1872 prices. The offer would be given to the first 1000 people to apply. The article noted that applications should be addressed to "Miss Avril Foley." The public response to this bargain-basement offer was swift and enthusiastic. Huge lines of people formed outside the Thomas Cook offices, and the travel agent was swamped with calls. Belatedly the Times identified the offer as an April Fool's joke and apologized for the inconvenience it had caused. The people who had waited in line for hours were, to put it mildly, not amused. The reporter who wrote the article, John Carter, was fired (though he was later reinstated).

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

2008-06-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

Car Insurance Statements

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found
that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of
my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end.

Fun with Paintings

2008-06-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

Funny Animals 60Funny Animals 60

2008-06-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

2008-06-15T04:40:00.000-07:00

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Top 10 Jokes

2008-06-15T04:33:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"

Funny Photo

2008-06-14T20:40:00.001-07:00

Funny Cola Ads

2008-06-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Funny Animals

2008-06-08T04:35:00.000-07:00

Funny Stuff

2008-06-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

Funny Jokes - The Exercise Machine

2008-06-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

The Exercise Machine

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him lose weight.
He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom.

It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how it was going.

“I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”

Funny Video

2008-06-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

Funny Photo

2008-06-06T07:42:00.001-07:00

B4 and After marriage....

2008-05-29T03:12:00.001-07:00

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

Funny Pics

2008-05-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

Collection of my English SMS

2008-05-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

1)

Nice Thought :

If i love myself despite my infinite faults,
how can i hate anyone at the glimpse of few faults?

Think about it.

2)

"G"o_to_bed
"O"ff_d_light
"O"ut_of_tension
"D"reams_come

"N"ice_sleep
"I"gnore_worries
"G"et_up_earlier
"H"ave_nice thought
"T"hank_the_ G0D.
"Good Night".

3)

Feeling Tense? Think Me
Feeling Sad? Call Me
Feeling Lonely? See Me
Feeling Sleepy? Dream of Me
My Name is SELF CONFIDENCE Never Loose Me. ALL THE BEST

4)

Thought for today :
Shakesphere said,"one beautiful heart is better than thousand beautiful faces.
So bettr choose people having beautiful heart rather thn beautiful faces.

5)

Care is one the main ingredient dat keeps closeness alive despite distance n schedule,
since i can't see u everyday so let my care be wid u 4ever.....

6)

"God Bless U" is such a litlle prayr but it means so much.
It means may d Lord with His gracious hands give u more den u hv prayd for !
God bless u:-)

7)

A new day welcomes u wid same old sun,
a new flower makes u smile wid same old fragrnce,
a new wish 2 keep u hale & hearty by same old friend.

8)

Frndship is a package of FEELING...
Nobdy can make it. Nobdy can delete it.
Nobdy can explain it. Real frnds can feel it...

9)

When I asked "What is Forgiveness? "
A little girl gave me this lovely reply: "It is the sweet scent that a flower gives when it is being Crushed"..

10)

Frndship is a package of FEELING...
Nobdy can make it. Nobdy can delete it.
Nobdy can explain it. Real frnds can feel it...

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE DRIVING TOO FAST....

2008-05-08T11:51:00.001-07:00

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE DRIVING TOO FAST....

Santa`s Clients

2008-04-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

Santa was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.

One day his partner Banta said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to Rs 1000 each, we still can’t sell any.”

Santa replied, “Use your head, Banta. Price them at Rs 2000 and send 10 of our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for Rs 8000 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the Rs 8000.”

“What a terrific idea,” said Banta. “I’ll send them out today.”

Two week’s later, Banta says to Santa, “What a stupid idea it was. Every one of those clients returned the parcel and the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”

source: http://www.santabanta.com

Curious Dog

2008-04-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

Funny Leave Applications

2008-04-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

1. A student's leave letter:

"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- ------------ --------- --------- -

2. A candidate's application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

3. I.T.I., Lahore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was

Performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."

Embarrassing moment for the queen

2008-04-24T04:50:00.000-07:00

Kid Sex Change

2008-04-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

You So Sexy

Feild Trip

Funny pics for U

2008-04-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

Funny Girls

2008-04-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

Humor Collerction 2

2008-04-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

Humorous Collection

2008-04-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

Funny Animals

2008-04-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

Take-that

2008-04-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

Sit, Stay!

very-long

Basketball Threesome

Sexy!

2008-04-09T06:16:00.001-07:00

Partners In Crime

2008-04-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

Nice Try!

2008-04-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

Making Out

2008-04-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

Good and Bad

2008-04-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Source: http://www.everyjoke.com

INTERNET JOKES

2008-04-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

funny

2008-04-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

funny pic

2008-04-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

Speed Limit

2008-04-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

what u think about this baby

2008-03-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

Save The Whale

2008-03-29T21:30:00.001-07:00

funny

2008-03-29T21:29:00.001-07:00

funny boy

2008-03-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

funny boy

2008-03-29T21:25:00.001-07:00

Renting An Adult Movie

2008-01-16T19:49:00.001-08:00

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

What'd You Think?

Men vs. Women

2007-07-17T23:50:00.001-07:00

Men and women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:

First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.

HATS:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...

LEG WARMERS:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.

A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES:

Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.

LOW BLOWS:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Today's jokes

2007-07-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

You Can Never Really Go Back
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the
breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
here at this breakfast
table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years
ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
two stripped
to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you
now as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in
you oatmeal!"

Funny Ads > Signs and notices

2007-06-12T23:51:00.000-07:00

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."

In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."

Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.

A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."

While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring."

At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions."

SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

The Cake Never Lies

2007-04-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

2007-04-10T10:55:00.004-07:00

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

TOP TEN SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM

2007-04-10T10:55:00.003-07:00

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

2007-04-10T10:55:00.001-07:00

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed's Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

2007-04-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

2007-04-10T10:53:00.002-07:00

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

2007-04-10T10:53:00.001-07:00

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

2007-04-10T10:52:00.002-07:00

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN

2007-04-10T10:52:00.001-07:00

1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% bitch. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you
can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex...

2007-04-10T10:51:00.002-07:00

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Usher...

2007-04-10T10:51:00.001-07:00

10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.

9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.

8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"

7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.

6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.

5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.

4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.

3. Offer your "services" to all guests.

2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.

1. Insist on a pants-free environment.

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

2007-04-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2006-12-25T03:55:00.000-08:00

10 things you don't want to hear from a doctor

1. The bad news is you have the desease, the good news is we can name it after you.
2. (saying to another doctor) Okay your on. First one done the surgery takes all.
3. If he's not the one with the tumor then who is?
4. Count backwards from 10 to 1. 10... 9.... 8.... 6.... 5.....
5. Right lung left lung what's the difference.
6. Yes, I have done this before....
...... on a dog.
7. You have a tumor in your... um ... I forget what you call it. Oh yeah1 your brain.
8. Okay students we are now going into the colon.
9. I think so.
10. A 2 year college is just the same as a 4 year one.

2006-12-25T03:54:00.000-08:00

Humor - Tips for Using It in Talks and Speeches

There are many occasions when you can find yourself speaking to an audience. These can range from report to club members to a formal talk or lecture at a professional gathering. Whatever the occasion you want information be of interest and remembered.

Humor can help you achieve both goals. Now this is not the same as giving humorous talk. That is a most difficult speech to deliver effectively, requiring a special talent and skill. These tips have to do with the use of humor in your presentations, whatever these may be, to help make your points clear and remembered.

Everything that said in my previous article, Humor - Tips for Using it in Everyday Conversation, also applies to using humor in speeches. But public or platform speaking at is sometimes called does have some additional considerations. Almost every professional speechwriter agrees on what the important ones are.

First

You are speaking to present an idea or discuss a subject. Use only those jokes or bits of humor that help you do that. A funny story that has nothing to do with your subject won't help you or your audience. Often a person is inclined to begin a presentation with a joke or humorous story. Your are immediately on shaky ground when you do. You have, in effect, a stand-alone bit of humor. It may or may not get the laugh you want. If the audience does not laugh, then you've lost that moment of initial interest audiences always give a speaker.

One way to overcome this risk is making sure your opening story has a point so strong that even if the laugh does not come, you can continue immediately focusing on the point of your story.

Second

With humor you can actually make a point three times. You make your statement, follow it with your joke to highlight or illustrate what you just said, then you restate your original point. Three times you made your point: Your statement, the illustrative joke, a restatement. The listener, in recalling the humor at a future time, also recalls the point associated with it.

One comedy-writing technique to help you fit a story to your subject is called "Switching." You can change either the build up or the punch line for it to fit your subject matter.

Example of changing the build up:
Original:
Neighbor: Do you like your new sister, Tommy?
Tommy: Oh yes, but there are lots of things we needed more.
Switched:
Friend: I hear your mother married again. Do you like your new father?
Tommy: He's all right, but there's lots of things we needed more.

Example of changing the punch line:
Original:
Desperate panhandler: Lady, I haven't eaten in four days.
Rich lady: Young man, you must learn to force yourself.
Switched:
Panhandler: Lady, I haven't eaten in four days. Can you help me.
Rich Lady: Certainly. I recommend The Ritz, a wonderful restaurant on 14th Street.

Take time to practice switching jokes. Beside being fun, it will expand your story file.

Third

Try to personalize and localize your stories. Instead of saying "a man" and "a city" give the man and the city names that the audience recognizes. If you can use their locale and people in the audience, so much the better. Work yourself into the joke as though you saw it happen, and if you can become the fall guy, better still. They'll love you for it.

Fourth

When your joke has quotes, deliver them in the style of the jokes above. Do not say, "He's all right," said Tommy, "But there's lots of things we needed more". That's OK in writing, but in speaking it slows down the story.

With a practice you can make amusing stories funny ones. (c) Cy Eberhart 2006

As a hospital chaplain Cy Eberhart, (now retired) was a firsthand witness to the entire spectrum of human emotions: personal successes and failures; the deepest despairs and the great peaks of joy. Two questions remained foremost in his mind: How was it that some could find inner strengths that brought courage and hope and others could not? What was to be learned from these experiences that would have a positive and creative effect for daily, routine living?

2006-12-25T03:52:00.000-08:00

What the Doctor Really Means When He Says...

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here..."

Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."

First I have to check my malpractice insurance.

"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"How are we today?"

I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Everything seems to be normal."

I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one

Funny Pics,Cartoon,Photo,Videos,Celebrity Wallpapers,funny Jokes

101 Ways To Annoy People - Funny Misc Joke

Funny Italian Names

20 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator While Bored

Beggars of today

Funny Warning

Funny and Hot Pipel

Funny Photo

Funny boy

Hot and Funny Pictures

Funny Italian Jokes

Top Funny News Stories

Jokes about fat people

Do you want to read the best short jokes and all other funny jokes ?

Funny Balloon Pictures

Funny Balloon Pictures

Funny Balloon Pictures

Funny Balloon Pictures

Camel Bus

101 Ways To Annoy People

The Cleaning Man - Lawyer Jokes

Funny One Liner Quickies

Clean "Three island men" Joke

Real things said in court

Funny Pics

Funny

Funny Photo

Art With Hands

Top 10 Funny Jokes

The Funniest Jokes in the world

Top 10 Signs You’re An Internet Geek

Funny Pics

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

Free Funny Pictures

Funny Photo

Top Funny Pics

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

Top Funny Pictures

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

Fun with Paintings

Funny Animals 60Funny Animals 60

Top 10 Classic Internet Jokes

Top 10 Jokes

Funny Photo

Funny Cola Ads

Funny Animals

Funny Stuff

Funny Jokes - The Exercise Machine

Funny Video

Funny Photo

B4 and After marriage....

Funny Pics

Collection of my English SMS

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE DRIVING TOO FAST....

Santa`s Clients

Curious Dog

Funny Leave Applications

Embarrassing moment for the queen

Kid Sex Change

Funny pics for U

Funny Girls

Humor Collerction 2

Humorous Collection

Funny Animals

Take-that

Sexy!

Partners In Crime

Nice Try!

Making Out

Good and Bad

INTERNET JOKES

funny

funny pic

Speed Limit

what u think about this baby

Save The Whale

funny