What kids think about love
KIDS: AND THE ORIGINS OF LOVE
CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE
"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, age 9
"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods.
he tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just
couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the
first married gods.
Robbie, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too."
Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell ...That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular.
Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't
want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is
pretty good too."
Greg, age 8
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and
they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit
together in the dark."
Sherm, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the
aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs'
is on television."
Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a
tree."
Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep
finding me."
Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough."
Regina, age 10
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't
worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something
she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9
Horrible Deaths in Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
Signs in the USA (mostly)
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
"Now serving live lobsters"
On the menu of a restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"
In a Maine restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
In a New Jersey restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the walls of a Baltimore estate
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy"
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
In a New York drugstore
"We dispense with accuracy."
In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"
In a funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
Outside a country shop
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
"Parking for birds only."
In the vestry of a New England church
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
extinguished"
In a laundry room
"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
"Do not activate with wet hands."
In a New Hampshire jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."
In a New York restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
"Crap - .79/lb."
In a Florida maternity ward
"No children allowed."
In the offices of a loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
"Now available in multi-packs"
In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."
On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."
In a library
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away."
On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from
the Transbay bus terminal
"Terminal Drugs"
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell
a crew member."
On a delicatessen wall
"Our best is none too good"
On a roller caoster
"Watch your head"
On a Maine shop
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."
In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel / No end."
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."
Around the World for 210 Guineas
1972 was the 100-year anniversary of Thomas Cook's first round the world travel tour. To commemmorate the occasion, the London Times ran a full article about Cook's 1872 tour, in which it noted that the vacation had cost the participants only 210 guineas each, or approximately $575. Of course, inflation had made a similar vacation quite a bit more expensive by 1972. A few pages later, the Times included a small article noting that in honor of the 100-year anniversary, the travel agent Thomas Cook was offering 1000 lucky people the chance to buy a similar package deal at 1872 prices. The offer would be given to the first 1000 people to apply. The article noted that applications should be addressed to "Miss Avril Foley." The public response to this bargain-basement offer was swift and enthusiastic. Huge lines of people formed outside the Thomas Cook offices, and the travel agent was swamped with calls. Belatedly the Times identified the offer as an April Fool's joke and apologized for the inconvenience it had caused. The people who had waited in line for hours were, to put it mildly, not amused. The reporter who wrote the article, John Carter, was fired (though he was later reinstated).
Car Insurance Statements
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found
that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of
my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end.
FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
The Exercise Machine
My husband bought an exercise machine to help him lose weight.
He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom.
It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.
Weeks later I asked how it was going.
“I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”
