10 things you don't want to hear from a doctor
1. The bad news is you have the desease, the good news is we can name it after you.
2. (saying to another doctor) Okay your on. First one done the surgery takes all.
3. If he's not the one with the tumor then who is?
4. Count backwards from 10 to 1. 10... 9.... 8.... 6.... 5.....
5. Right lung left lung what's the difference.
6. Yes, I have done this before....
...... on a dog.
7. You have a tumor in your... um ... I forget what you call it. Oh yeah1 your brain.
8. Okay students we are now going into the colon.
9. I think so.
10. A 2 year college is just the same as a 4 year one.
Humor - Tips for Using It in Talks and Speeches
There are many occasions when you can find yourself speaking to an audience. These can range from report to club members to a formal talk or lecture at a professional gathering. Whatever the occasion you want information be of interest and remembered.
Humor can help you achieve both goals. Now this is not the same as giving humorous talk. That is a most difficult speech to deliver effectively, requiring a special talent and skill. These tips have to do with the use of humor in your presentations, whatever these may be, to help make your points clear and remembered.
Everything that said in my previous article, Humor - Tips for Using it in Everyday Conversation, also applies to using humor in speeches. But public or platform speaking at is sometimes called does have some additional considerations. Almost every professional speechwriter agrees on what the important ones are.
First
You are speaking to present an idea or discuss a subject. Use only those jokes or bits of humor that help you do that. A funny story that has nothing to do with your subject won't help you or your audience. Often a person is inclined to begin a presentation with a joke or humorous story. Your are immediately on shaky ground when you do. You have, in effect, a stand-alone bit of humor. It may or may not get the laugh you want. If the audience does not laugh, then you've lost that moment of initial interest audiences always give a speaker.
One way to overcome this risk is making sure your opening story has a point so strong that even if the laugh does not come, you can continue immediately focusing on the point of your story.
Second
With humor you can actually make a point three times. You make your statement, follow it with your joke to highlight or illustrate what you just said, then you restate your original point. Three times you made your point: Your statement, the illustrative joke, a restatement. The listener, in recalling the humor at a future time, also recalls the point associated with it.
One comedy-writing technique to help you fit a story to your subject is called "Switching." You can change either the build up or the punch line for it to fit your subject matter.
Example of changing the build up:
Original:
Neighbor: Do you like your new sister, Tommy?
Tommy: Oh yes, but there are lots of things we needed more.
Switched:
Friend: I hear your mother married again. Do you like your new father?
Tommy: He's all right, but there's lots of things we needed more.
Example of changing the punch line:
Original:
Desperate panhandler: Lady, I haven't eaten in four days.
Rich lady: Young man, you must learn to force yourself.
Switched:
Panhandler: Lady, I haven't eaten in four days. Can you help me.
Rich Lady: Certainly. I recommend The Ritz, a wonderful restaurant on 14th Street.
Take time to practice switching jokes. Beside being fun, it will expand your story file.
Third
Try to personalize and localize your stories. Instead of saying "a man" and "a city" give the man and the city names that the audience recognizes. If you can use their locale and people in the audience, so much the better. Work yourself into the joke as though you saw it happen, and if you can become the fall guy, better still. They'll love you for it.
Fourth
When your joke has quotes, deliver them in the style of the jokes above. Do not say, "He's all right," said Tommy, "But there's lots of things we needed more". That's OK in writing, but in speaking it slows down the story.
With a practice you can make amusing stories funny ones. (c) Cy Eberhart 2006
As a hospital chaplain Cy Eberhart, (now retired) was a firsthand witness to the entire spectrum of human emotions: personal successes and failures; the deepest despairs and the great peaks of joy. Two questions remained foremost in his mind: How was it that some could find inner strengths that brought courage and hope and others could not? What was to be learned from these experiences that would have a positive and creative effect for daily, routine living?
What the Doctor Really Means When He Says...
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
"We'll see."
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one
In my career I've had plenty of job interviews, probably fifty. And I have to admit that my get-an-offer percentage is maybe 95%; not bad. On the flip side, I have interviewed over a hundred candidates, hiring a number of good people with few exceptions and only one a probable serial killer (he apparently knew the eighteen 'Do Nots').
I have asked it all, heard it all, answered it all, and seen it all. It is from this wealth of experience that I have culled eighteen must 'Do Nots' to share with you. You can thank me later. Here they are:
1. Do not be late.
2. Do not put your feet on the desk.
3. Do not eat garlic 24 hours prior.
4. Do not have a flapping dried nostril booger or a long protruding nose hair.
5. Do not have a stringer of spittle in the corner of your mouth.
6. Do not shake hands if your palm is cold, clammy and limp.
7. Do not wear sneakers unless they are brand new.
8. Do not wear a lapel pin of any sort unless it is the American or Mexican flag.
9. Do not ask about hours, salary, vacation, pensions, insurance or anything else that might be considered ... well ... not job related.
10. Do not say "bottom line" or "at the end of the day" less than five times every five minutes.
11. Do not quote Scripture or Seinfeld.
12. Do not forget to "push back" at least once on some safe topic (e.g., interviewer: "Tell me about your last job." Interviewee response: "I need to push back. You seem stupider than tar!").
13. Do not use words like "mammy", "pappy", "gedder done" or "irregardless" unless it's for a job at the Monster Truck rally.
14. Do not reach for your pocket flask unless you are willing to share it with the interviewer (which I highly encourage you do to break the ice).
15. Do not divulge what sex positions you like unless explicitly asked.
16. (Related to rule 15) Do not use the "C" word under any circumstances, ever! "F", "B" and "S" words are okay but only if encouraged by the interviewer.
17. Do not fall asleep.
18. Do not forget to leave when it's over.
There you have it. Most of it common sense. But you'd be surprised just how many people forget. If you master these rules and don't forget to weasel word at every opportunity, you too should find success at your next job interview.
Happy job hunting.
http://www.cranelegs.com
