If Women Ruled The World How Life Goes
1) Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
2) PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
3) Men that slept around would come with records, just like guys keep maintenance records on cars.
4) Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
5) Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
6) Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
7) Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity and men would be required to go to clothing stores or malls to help women pick out new outfits.
8) Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
9) Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
10) Men would be required to learn phrases like "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
11) All toilet seats would be nailed down.
12) TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
13) All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
Dating Tips For Women
(1) Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
(2) What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
(3) Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
(4) Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
(5) A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night".
(6) The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend".
25 "Facts" About Women
1) Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2) Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3) Women "never" have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4) Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5) Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6) Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7) Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8) Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9) Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10) Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11) Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12) Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13) Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14) Women think all beer is the same.
15) Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16) Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17) If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18) Women brush their hair before bed.
19) Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20) Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21) Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22) Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23) Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24) The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25) Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Source By http://www.sodamnfunny.com
Honeymoon
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."
She said "What?"
He said "Put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.
"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in the family!"
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties."
She said, "That's right and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"
Before & After Wedding
Before wedding -
"you are my heart, you are my love"
After wedding -
"you get on my nerve."
Before wedding -
"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding -
"you are worse than godzila. "
Before wedding -
Roses are red, violets are blue
Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
After wedding -
Roses are dead, I am blue
You get on my head, I will sue you
Before wedding -
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding -
You want to go, he says lei tang-la
Before wedding -
She enjoys his looks
After wedding -
She enjoys his cheque book
Before wedding -
Shopping at Sogo, Lot 10 and StarHill
After wedding -
Shopping at Pasar Malam at Chow Yang SS 2
Before wedding -
She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding -
Don't know whether katak or biawak
Before wedding -
Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill
After wedding -
Furthest you go is Gasing Hill
Before wedding -
He opens the car door
After wedding -
He opens his mouth and snores
Before wedding -
She / he was your ideal
After wedding -
She / he becomes your ordeal
