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STUPID OF THE DAY

At the Zoo by Alan Alexander Milne

There are lions and roaring tigers,
and enormous camels and things,
There are biffalo-buffalo-bisons,
and a great big bear with wings.
There's a sort of a tiny potamus,
and a tiny nosserus too -
But I gave buns to the elephant
when I went down to the Zoo!

There are badgers and bidgers and bodgers,
and a Super-in-tendent's House,
There are masses of goats, and a Polar,
and different kinds of mouse,
And I think there's a sort of a something
which is called a wallaboo -
But I gave buns to the elephant
when I went down to the Zoo!


If you try to talk to the bison,
he never quite understands;
You can't shake hands with a mingo -
he doesn't like shaking hands.
And lions and roaring tigers
hate saying, "How do you do?" -
But I give buns to the elephant
when I go down to the Zoo!


Source By http://www.funny-poems.biz

funny pics



Why sardarjee Suicide

Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji.

Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds idlis in the box.

He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tommorow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die".

Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says " If I find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die "

Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says " Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"


Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their colleagues, the Mallu's widow says " I did not know he hated idlis so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch "

The Bengali's widow says " I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

The sardarji's widow says " I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch....!!!

A Paki, Bangladeshi and a Sardar


A Paki, Bangladeshi and a Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Paki drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to
pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Sardar , cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Paki and
Bangladeshi. He says "In Delhi we have so many Pakis and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Humor :- On the Road Again

My wife and I need to exercisemore. Every time we leave the house we notice vultures circling overhead in anticipation and now our washing machine is doing that nasty thing where it shrinks our clothes. So, in a moment of pure inspiration and absolutely no intelligent thought whatsoever, we decide to take up mountain biking. We could remember biking as kids and there was nothing to it. We set out to purchase our bikes with the fond memory of a cool breeze gently blowing in our faces.

One of the first things we notice is that the seats are too small. Apparently they are now making the seats smaller than in our youth. The clerk smiles knowingly and smugly suggests that for the more mature biking enthusiasts they can attach foam padding. There is, of course, an extra charge. My wife chooses the extra padding and is currently riding around on what looks like a bucket seat from a 1967 Buick. I, on the other hand, have decided to save the additional expense and go without the padding. My proctologist has assured me that the tingling in my left buttock should eventually fade away.

Early Saturday morning we prepare for our first cycling adventure. We decide to leave early to insure we'll be back before dark. My wife is to travel in front and carry a fanny pack with suntan lotion, a first aid kit and our medical insurance cards. Her job is to set the pace. My job is to follow behind and criticize. I'll be carrying a backpack filled with: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (for subsistence), energy bars (for endurance), 2 jugs of Gatorade (to replenish our bodily fluids), rain gear (in case of inclement weather), a map and compass (in case we get lost), a flashlight (in case we're lost at night), and signal flares (to assist the search party).

We go over the route one final time. I spread the map out on the kitchen table, pointer in hand. "This is the route we'll be taking, so pay close attention. If you have any questions, now is the time to ask."

I carefully review the emergency procedures. "If separated, we will rendezvous either here, at check-point Charlie, or here, at check-point Romeo."

"We've been over this four times already," my wife complains, obviously taking the whole adventure much too lightly and showing no respect for my superior training and experience. After all, I was the one who spent nearly two full years in the Cub Scouts, not her. Fortunately, I understand the seriousness of the task ahead and have taken the necessary precautions.

We're finally ready to put our weeks of training and preparations to use. It's time to venture forth and boldly go where no sane middle-aged man or woman has gone before -- it's time to leave our driveway.

I brief the kids. "Now remember, while we're gone I want one of you to remain by the phone at all times in case we need to call for assistance."

"But you're only going around the block," the kids complain. "The house will be in sight the entire time."

Ah, the innocence of youth. They oversimplify everything.

Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are to busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the guns down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it upanyhow."

Sleeping facts

Sleeping facts

Bees never sleep, but they can be found resting in empty cells. But if they are around, they never let you sleep either.

Birds of Paradise can sleep upside down. As long as you're sleeping, you are in paradise anyway!

Snakes do not sleep but they can't shut their eyes! Do they shut the light then?

Ants sleep about three hours, then stretch and appear to yawn on waking up.
If we worked as hard as they did, we'd probably sleep for three years.

Sperm whales sleep vertically with their heads pointed towards the bottom of the ocean. Are they searching for something?

Albatrosses are able to sleep and fly at the same time. Wish we could sleep while working too!

Cats sleep 90% of their life away. Wish we could also do that!

Giraffes rarely lie down; they sleep and give birth standing up. (Now we know why they are so tall)

Sharks neither sleep nor stop swimming. Always a danger when you are at sea!

Bats hang upside down to sleep! What if they lose their grip while sleeping?

Snails can sleep for 3 years! No wonder, they appear asleep even while moving.

Dolphins can sleep with half of their brains still functioning. At work, humans use only one fourth!

Funny Quotes

1. God is real, unless declared integer

2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

3. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

4. Home is where the television is.

5. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

6. Death is hereditary.

7. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

8. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

9. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

10.Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

11.Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else..

12.Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

13.Well done is better than well said.

14.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

15.They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.

16.Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

17.You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

18.I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

19.If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

20.Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.

21.The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

22.Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

23.I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

24.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

25.LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge

26.Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

27.The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

28.There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

29.An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing

Java Interview attended by our Banta Singh

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more

Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can't communicate.

Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus dep ot.

Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.

Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.

Q. What is the exact diffe rence between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast


Source By funonthenet.in

What the teacher says and (what the teacher really means).

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact
with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment
she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and
must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

Funniest one line jokes.
Judge:
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"

Wife: "I
couldn't lift the table."


"What did one ghost say to
another?"


"Do you believe in people?"
My friend has a fine watch
dog.

At any suspicious noise he
wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our
language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.


"Room Service?
Can you send up a towel?"


"Please wait
someone else is using it."



When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he
made me pay in advance.

"Where did
you get those big eyes?"

"They came
with the face."



I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife
had already seen Niagara Falls.



But the psychiatrist really helped me
a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I
answer it whether it rings or not.





It was love at first sight. Then I
took a second look !!



"Look, guide,
here are some lion tracks."





"Good. You
see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."



"Do you think I"ll lose my
looks as I get older?"


"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws
paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.


"Has there
been any insanity in your family?"


"Yes,
doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."


I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the
handwriting for it.



"My wife doesn't know what she
wants."




"You're lucky. My wife
does."


We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her
and she doesn't speak to me.



"What do
use for washing dishes?"


"Oh, I
tried many things but found my husband best."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"

"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make
him happy?"


"Young man, do
you think you can handle a variety of work?"



"I ought to be
able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."




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